Rule No. 35: Sometimes to just abandon something is the only way to go.

Let’s face it. I am certainly not an expert in the dating arena. It has been challenging. Difficult at times. I started this blog to chronicle my dating MISadventures.  While at the same time, letting a good one (or what I thought to be a good one) sneak in a time or two. In high school, I did not have a boyfriend; although I had several crushes on a few. Nor did I date at the young age of 16.  I wandered through 2 years of college without a single interest. At some point, I thought finding THE ONE was part of the grand life plan. 

The twenties and thirties breezed through and before I knew it I was in my 40s and still single. Never been married.  Never had a real relationship.  Maybe me being overweight was a factor. I shut myself off from the world because, in my mind, overweight women just don’t find love.  So now the middle to late 40s are well under way and yet no man friend.  Friends (and strangers) have good intentions when they tell me someone is out there; but I really find that hard to grasp.  If there was, I believe the person would have made himself known.  I really wish you could walk in my shoes. I don’t receive invites. Happenstance doesn’t happen to me.  Too many one date wonders. Too many weeds.

I have become tired. Restless.  Frustrated.  Somewhat hopeless. There are some people who are not meant to be in long term relationships and I believe I am one of them. I have longed for the relationship of yesteryear (with of course today’s technology).  I am tired of hearing of “rules.”  I do not wish for much.  A normal man. Someone to hold hands with.  Someone who will let me know how he feels. Yes, text a time or two.  Not leave me guessing.  And there are more. 

Why is it so challenging?  Have I been told I am beautiful, smart, funny and a host of other things just because? Have I been told those things just so someone could get something in return?  It is a harsh reality I hope my married friends are thankful they do not have to navigate.  I will admit I fell prey to some of it.  Part of my exploration I suppose. 

I have given myself and the men in the world too many “second chances” or “one more time.”  Not sure what I was expecting from those last-ditch efforts.  The questions “Why are you still single?” or “Why have you never been married?” can only be answered so many times.  In their heads, men probably want to tack on “….at 46.”  Online dating is certainly not normal. To its credit, I have met some interesting people.  I am a magnet for the ones trying to “fake it till they make it” or to get lucky.  I have reported more fake people than I care to. 

I have thought of trying something different since the conventional way of dating / long term does not seem to be in the cards for me.  But that idea probably would not work either.  The next 4 years will zoom by (look how this year has) and before I know it, I will be 50!  Fifty and single – never been married.  And at this point, I am not sure I want to be married.  Long term, yes.  Bride, not so sure. 

If you’ve reached this point, congratulations! I promise I’ll wrap it up…

Why am I putting time / energy into this blog?  The energy needs to go to my other blog that has inspired people.  Not sure what I’ll fill my time with but I am sure I will find something.  If it weren’t for the dating mishaps I have experienced this blog would not exist.  However, at the same time I do not flourish when writing for this blog.  I will work on cultivating the relationships I have with my girlfriends.  After all, they are my salvation. 

This is my last post on this blog.  I know I have said I’m giving up more than a time or two.  Third time is the charm…. right?  I will not be showing up at any reunion.  It is not in the stars (as the sweet 16 me used to think) for me to have a special someone.  They just don’t know what they are missing out on.  I have been told time and time again “it’ll come when you’re least expecting it.”  Thank you, but the saying does not carry much weight any more.  I have not disappeared off the grid altogether. Check out my other blog (one that I truly have experience in) and Instagram.  And you can always text or message me.  

Rule No. 43: All roads lead back to that little three letter word

I realize I came late to the dating game.  I did not wait or read for that matter for the game rules.  I jumped right in and started playing when I should have read up on the what to do and what not to dos.  To say the least, it has been a shocker over the last year or so.

Most of my dates have been from online dating sites with a few from meeting in a group.  The good and bad.  Not sure if it's my lateness to the game or what, but I am realizing all conversations somehow lead to one word or subject: S-E-X.  Ugh! It's done so sneaky as well.

This woman I know is also dabbling in online dating.  She recently had a date who, after only talking with her for a short time, injected that word.  Where does it say that after talking to / knowing a man for 5 minutes, he can bring up that?!  She had no problem telling him she felt uncomfortable with that conversation.  They still met but once he realized she was not contributing to that conversation, she noticed he was less than interested in the rest of the evening.

I recently talked with two men who brought S-E-X up pretty quickly.  Okay, so I knew the first one probably wouldn't go anywhere.  He actually was a 50 shades kind of guy!  Not sure if it was the deep voice or what, but I found talking to him quite intriguing and interesting.  And to his credit, not all the conversations were about that!  But just as mysterious and sometimes alluding as the character himself, the man vanished.  Ghosted me.  Not too bummed about it.  Although I liked hearing that deep masculine voice say my name.   The second one stated in his profile he wanted to start out as friends, build something.  He wasn't in a rush.  Soon after we exchanged numbers and texting started, so did the subtle sexual innuendos.  I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.  And while it worked at certain times, it always seemed to circle back around.  He told me things that really fell in the TMI category.  My steering was unsuccessful and he also disappeared.

I've heard dating is to weed out the good from the bad.  Well it appears all I've had are weeds.  Even the one who I thought was a good catch was a weed.  And I shouldn't admit this because the friends reading this will shake their fingers at me, but he's crossed my mind lately.  Not sure why.  

Just like certain fashion generations are coming back, why can't dating go back to 1980?  When there were no cell phones, no texting.  People actually talked and got to know one another before clothes came off.  I remember even in the early 1990s I met a guy while working at Weiners and we used the good old land line.  There was no mention of favorite positions.  Of course, it didn't work out. Apparently he was a serial dater and I was at the end of a long line.  

I've constantly read about the 3 date rule before even venturing into anything sexual but maybe there needs to be a 3 (or more) text rule before it's brought up.  If truth be told, if I'm chatting / messaging with a man whom I'd like to build a relationship with, it becomes a turn off if he constantly talks about his stamina, how everything I say sounds sexy or requests racy pictures before we have our first kiss.  But I'm realizing apparently that's the norm these days. 

A seemingly normal man reaches out and thoughts of being courted, dates, and no sex talk until the right time fill the mind.  Then it happens.  I realized that there's nothing traditional or 1980s about online dating. So if there's a guy reading my blog, you might ask when is the right time?  Hopefully you know that the first date, or even messages BEFORE the first date is not appropriate.  

However, one could look at online dating this way; the profile's purpose is to offer a peek into what may be their personality.  A "take it or leave it" approach.  If so, then I'm going to be choosing the latter option until I come across one that is mature enough to hold off on letting me know his favorite position or that he has incredible stamina.  And as always, I'll be....

Dating and Afraid!

Christina

Rule No. 11: Dating is like a puzzle; search is on for that last piece that fits

I walked past some jigsaw puzzles the other day.   You don't hear too much anymore of people putting together those tiny odd shaped pieces to make it look like a group of cats, or a collage of ice cream.  

My dating life lately seems to be like a puzzle. The only exception is that I'm gathering the pieces one by one (sometimes two by two) and I'm really not sure what it will look like when it's finished.  The first several dates are similar to pieces of the puzzle.  The norm is to open the box and find all the straight edged pieces to form a frame.  These dates, like puzzle pieces, form somewhat of a framework of what is to come.  But it may take time to put all the straight edges together.  In the meantime, more pieces are being gathered and I am trying to fit them together.  After each date I've had, it's like I've picked up a piece of the puzzle. There are certain things I learn from these dates....about myself and the dating scene itself.  There's a lot of trial and error and every piece out in the middle is like learning something new.  What takes priority.  Hoping that piece will eventually connect with other pieces to evolve into an image.

Right now I feel like I have many pieces that don't connect.  There's no framework to my puzzle.  The last relationship with Match guy #1 was what I thought was the missing piece.  But as hard as I tried, the puzzle wouldn't fit together.  It wasn't a right fit.  Maybe I was trying to merge two puzzles together that didn't go together at all.  Then men and/or dates before and after him have been smaller pieces.

For some it takes longer to find that last piece that fits the puzzle and completes it.  That's me.  I've been on some dates where I thought he had everything.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was still a piece missing.  I had a one date wonder on Saturday.  He took me to a nice restaurant and seemed quite interested.  You know, the calls every night, texts during the day.  I was letting him lead.  But then it all stopped.  Although if truth be told, I wasn't all that interested in him (there were some bothersome things), it's still frustrating to be left to wonder.  But I can say I picked up a piece of the puzzle.

Maybe because of the long list of "must haves" it's harder to find the right pieces.  I look at my puzzle sometimes and realize it's mostly sky and green grass.  And I tend to be a little envious of those that can find that last remaining piece and it fits right immediately.  Several times I have felt as if I need to give the person a chance.  Either they seem really nice or their profile reads like a statement for the perfect boyfriend.  But then my intuition kicks in.  Something may not feel right.  And although sometimes I need to hear that dreaded single person cliche, I know deep down they're not for me.  For one reason or another.  It sucks big time.  As much as I wanted it to work with Match #1, it just didn't.  As great as a puzzle piece he might have been, he didn't fit my puzzle.

Who knows why some people complete their puzzle sooner than others! That's life.  And on some days, I am okay with it.  Then there are other days (like today) when I'd like to just give up. Scatter the puzzle I have across the floor.  That's life.  Dating and finding that one special person is part of a puzzle.  Dating is, essentially, searching for the missing puzzle piece.  Whether it be the last corner of the frame or that last piece in the middle.

I've been working on mine for quite some time.  I'm tired.  When I go on a date, I almost just want to say up front, can I just have my puzzle piece and go home?  However it could be the last piece I'm looking for.

Until I find that last fitting piece, I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Christina

Rule No. 7: Every woman wants to be somebody's Chelsea

I wish I could say I know what it's like to be on the mind of a man, missing me, wanting to talk to me. It's everywhere.  Pictures of happy couples.  I have realized I'm doing something wrong.  I want to be the reason a man can't wait to get home because he's going to see me.  While driving home will call to see how my day was.  I want a man to love me for me....all the curves of m body, all my little quirks, and the fact I don't put on a front.  

What does it take?  My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last summer.  My sister and I have heard the story of how they met time and time again.  Hearing it makes it sound like something out of a cheesy sitcom. And if mom hadn't met dad, and continued to date the man she was dating, my last name could very well be Pretty. Yes, it's funny...have a laugh.  These days, meeting by happenstance doesn't occur that much.  I rarely hear of any "set ups" or I know this friend who has a friend.  And yet, couples are everywhere.  Newly engaged couples, couple who have been together for what seems like ages, new couples still navigating the dating game.  Trying to figure out when to have the talk or decide if they want to see that person again.  I've been there. Always trying to figure out if I get a second or third chance with the One Date Wonder.  

I find it hard to believe that women (and I know a few) don't really want a boyfriend.  In their mind, that means having to work at a relationship.  Someone mentioned to me she wants an "instant" relationship.  The other one doesn't really care about dating at all.  I told them neither was going to convert me.  I want to be that picture in his wallet.  I want to have that great love story to tell. Whether it's a Tinder story [and that would be rare] (not happening mainly because my phone can't run it anymore), or a Match story, or simply I saw him in  a bar and decided to walk over kind of story, I want one.  As a facebook person of mine kindly and sweetly proclaimed, it's time for the last first date.  These one date wonders are not fun anymore.  I don't really want to hear crickets again.  

In today's dating arena, it's become hard to become someone's one and only girl. You're either "talking to" a few possible suitors or having to create a spreadsheet so tardiness or mix ups won't be an issue.  As much as I've been told to "keep my options open" and play the field, I don't think I can do that.  

Just the other day I was not only messaging a man from Match but a match from Eharmony I messaged decided to return the favor.  Then, for whatever reason, he went MIA.  The Match Guy  V2 (no not the same one - gosh I wouldn't do that again!) eventually won and we swapped numbers.  My walking buddy emphatically stated she didn't want to be married again or have a relationship; although the FWB relationship she was in at the moment seemed to suit her just fine.  She had been married and had children; that's all she wanted.

I realize my dating skills need work.  I need to be reminded to not have expectations - high or otherwise.  Act breezy casual.  What is it my soul sister said?  Remember be calm and collective.  I want that last first date.  A fantastic love story that can be told over and over.  I wonder if any man has been told by a woman she wants to be somebody's Chelsea if she is unhappy.  That could be something to try.  Too I haven't heard from the Coward (or as my neighbor likes to call him "the dick"), I think I would tell him that.

Somebody's Chelsea....that's what I want to be.  But until then, I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Be brave out there....but careful!

Christina 

Rule No. 5: He's got to express himself.....

So what did I learn from the second and final time with Match guy?  Well, I learned that talk is talk and until there are actions, lips are moving, but they lie.  I realized he probably doesn't know what he wants.  I gave myself two days of tears, shouting matches with friends and wondering what's wrong with me.  Then I got up, dusted myself off and moved on.  The time wasn't right for me in the summer, and so maybe the time wasn't right for him now.  Whatever, the reason, he's still a coward for not being honest with me.  Expressing himself.....even if it was in a negative way. 

I signed up on EHarmony.  They now own me until July.  The first few weeks twelve matches were presented to me and I sent smiles to every single one.  Probably a bad move on my part.  One guy reached out and we met for a beer.  Awkward.  Not crickets awkward, but when you have to think of subjects to talk about, there's a problem.  I wasn't feeling it and neither was he.  But, he didn't have to complain about the drive to The Woodlands.  You can bet if a guy gives me the option of picking a place, he best be ready to drive to where I am.  So now the match(es) trickle in.  One a week.  

And unlike before, I do not have a weird feeling Match guy will show back up.  Well, I did for a fleeting second when my friend and I walked/ran the 5K this past weekend.  I thought, of all times, this would be when I see him.  But nope....as my friend said, on the plus side he wasn't there.  She said on the plus side because I left my fitbit at home and wasn't able to count those steps!  I think maybe God wanted to prove something to me.  I still believe in his timing, although right now I am not liking it.  I guess He allowed Match guy to come back only to show me he wasn't the right one; maybe for now or ever.  After thinking about it, he lacked some of the things I like to have in a mate. A good communicator for one.  

I reactivated my Match profile and am debating whether or not to subscribe to read the 38 emails.  I am sure, like my neighbor, some of them will be scammers, or ones that aren't my type.  They could also be the little automatic replies saying the man doesn't like "winks."  Send a message of substance. Whatever!  

Then there are the eggs in my basket.  Apparently I need to have several baskets with eggs in all of them.  I am using this time to take the boyfriend weight off.  The weight of not one, but two, boyfriends!  And I'm having success so far.  I know what will happen, just in time when I finally get to my happy number, I'll meet a great guy.  I'll get all giddy and more boyfriend weight will go on. But that's a post for my Glitter All the Weigh page.  

I do miss the hand holding.  The feeling I have when I see him (general use of course).  If I really like a man, I get a certain vibe and look forward to hearing from him and seeing him.  I miss the small kisses that seem so normal.  

I am not so much soliciting advice from strangers anymore.  Really, there's nothing to solicit for.  And if I keep it up, I won't have many friends to follow on Facebook.  There are days when I really don't want to read about some one's guy or "love" cooking them dinner. Or how they're the best boyfriend ever.  So I unfollow them.  Just for a while.  I deserve to be happy just like them.   I have not had the guy that texts just for the heck of it.   I have not had that guy want to talk to me in the middle of the day so he calls on his way home from work.  

There have been a few guys that I follow on Facebook that say they want their last first date and will they ever find her. I want to throw up my hands and shout, Yes!  Here I am!  I want that last first date. If they would just take the time to get to know me.  Beyond the non-existent boobs and non-Barbieesque figure.  I am a great girlfriend.  I am not demanding.  I don't care if you have guys night. Because I need girls' night!  I understand about children.  I wouldn't expect to be put above them. 

Not sure how long till my next date.  Could be weeks.  Could be months.  Whenever it is, you can be sure I'll post about it.  And I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Christina 

Open Letter

Dear Coward,

I thought when I saw your profile on the dating site, it must be a sign.  A sign that whatever we started over the summer should be continued.  Explored.  I'm not one for taking chances, but when I reached out and received a response, I was happy.  Excited.  I spent all morning getting ready to meet you for lunch.  I wanted to look nice.  But I was also trying to act breezy.  Causal.  Treating it like meeting a friend for lunch.  No expectations.  That is what my friends tell me.  What was I supposed to think when you apologized for the way things ended six months prior?  I didn't deserve that, you said.  How was I supposed to react when you said you had thought about me?  I reacted like any woman would hearing that from a man whom she was attracted.  

I will admit we went a little fast 6 months prior to me finding you again.  Was that it?  Intimacy is different for women I believe.  Once that happens, the investment is greater.  Attachment enters the picture.  Maybe that was the problem.  So when we reconnected it seemed natural to  pick up where we left off.  I found comfort (maybe assurance) that you were a monogamous type man  Didn't sleep around.  No serial dating.  I felt natural around your children.  You said your daughter liked me as well as your son.  I think her response to when I joked and said maybe I'll be around for Valentine's Day, was "Oh you will be."  Do you know how that made me feel?  I felt giddy.  Like I wanted to not stop smiling.  Cry happy tears.  

One month passed, then two months.  We talked about how often we'd see each other.  You were calling me.  But there was an elephant in the room.  The demands of your job.  And all that was on your plate.  If I had been honest with myself, I would have known that you were using the demands of your job as an excuse.  If you were really interested in developing something with me, you'd make time for me.  But I thought as long as we were talking on the phone and texting things were still okay. That when you said you wanted to see me too, you meant it.  That when you told me personal stuff about your childhood, the years after your wife died, that you trusted me and wanted to grow with me.

When you told me you didn't want to "imagine me with anyone else" or "think of me with anyone else" you were telling me you wanted to see only me.  You wanted to see only me.  I was listening to the conversation and thought he is saying what I've wanted to hear.  You used those terms of endearment that make a woman feel special and hearing them come from you put me on cloud nine. 

All I have to say is you are a coward.  A coward for not telling me after our last date that you didn't want to see me anymore.  Maybe you have too much on your plate to have a relationship right now. Maybe I became something you realized you didn't want.  You're a coward for not telling me the truth. If you knew that you weren't going to call me back when I left you a couple of messages, you should have told me.  If the last text I sent you was really the last text, you needed to step up, be a man, and tell me you didn't want to see me anymore.  A man doesn't leave a woman hanging.  He doesn't "ghost."  I wasted 2 days on you.  Crying because I thought I found a great man.  A man who knew what I have gone through the last few years and still wanted to be with me.  Or least I thought.  

What is it?  Was there someone else?  Another "old love interest?" Or did you realize you love your job more than you enjoy having a relationship?  Can't deal with working on a relationship, a job, etc." Then you're not ready for another woman in your life.  That is probably why the relationship you stopped seeing me for in the summer ended.  That is probably why your second marriage ended.  

So if by some strange event I was to hear from you, this is what I would say.  I deserve someone who texts me in the morning so I know he's thinking about me.  Someone who makes time to see me, even though he has a tough job.  I want someone who is a good communicator.  Not a texter?  Okay, so phone calls.  Those rides home from work you could have called me.  If I am seeing a man for a few months, I want to know he wants to see me every weekend  I don't want to have to guess what I'm going to be doing.  Actions speak louder than words.  

That is what I learned from dating you.  I will say I am sorry we couldn't see if there was something there.  I am sorry I fell for whatever game you were playing a second time.  It won't happen again.  

Sincerely,

Christina 

Smart(er) girl... but still dating and afraid 

Ruled No. 33: Life is not fair.....and neither are the dating "rules."

"That feeling you get in your stomach when your heart's broken.  It's like all the butterflies just died." 

"If you're brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello."

Believe it or not, I have tried to remain not as transparent or open in most posts.  I've tried to remain modest, appropriate for what this blog is.  I carefully think of what I am going to write....to put on the screen.  But tonight I must be transparent.  I must express my true disappointment.   

The last 2½ months I thought had been good with Match guy.....I would even go as far to say great. Yes, there were some bumps, pot holes, but I still thought everything was headed on the right track. Apparently I was blind...not because I wanted to be.  I thought it would be different this time.  I mean, what else was I supposed to think when he wanted to see me and called me honey.  Shared very personal things with me about his past.  The solicited (or not so solicited) thoughts were that a man wouldn't share that information if he was only into casual dating.  He mentioned giving me access to his children's' numbers in case something happened to him.  He told me he "didn't want to think of me with anyone else.  Didn't want to imagine me with anyone else."  

Apparently I have been making excuses for Match guy.  I admired the fact he was dedicated to his job.  A job that required long hours.  Travel.  Yet he would still communicate with me.  But apparently when a couple is dating, if a man wants to talk to you, he will respond to a text with kissy faces even if he's in the middle of a meeting with customers.  And when he was sick with the flu, bronchitis, and a cough, I hoped he felt better.  Is he still supposed to text/call me when he has fever, chills, a cough?  

The last date was a good one....I thought.  He actually suggested we do something.  Bowling.  He picked me up.  We had fun bowling.  Showed a little PDA.  I suggested we try the Italian restaurant we were going to go to when we first met.  It was a nice evening. Nothing appeared off.  When he took me home, kisses good night were nice.  He texted when he got home.  Said he also had a good time.  So where did it go wrong?  Did it go sour after our text on Wednesday or Thursday?

I decided to tell my sister about him.  I needed some advice other than from friends.  My main reason for talking to her was to find out when I should tell our mother I was dating someone.  But.....after this last week, I wasn't so sure.  There were no calls.  Texts, yes, but no calls.   She gave me the same information my friends had.  Not that I didn't believe my friends. But when she asked her husband for a man's perspective, I realized I have been fooling myself.  So, the second time, fool me twice, shame on me.  He was bothered that Match guy hadn't called all week.  He said when a a guy wants to talk to you he'll talk to you.  So, in essence, I was forcing this relationship to make a step past the start line.  

So here I am yet again heart broken.  Yet again wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.  It is hard for people to understand yet they say they do.  I don't want to be told anymore that God has someone for me. If he does, where is he!?    I don't demand a lot.  I will not text all day long.  I do not have issues with kids (although I'm not sure I want young ones).  If a job requires travel (aside from a traveling salesman), I understand.  I knew that about him from the first day we met last year.  

I am tired. I am frustrated. I realize I've forced whatever effort there was.   I've never been chased. I've never been presented with the opportunity to ask someone to help me move something, or with anything and return the favor with dinner.  I realize I've come to the party late.  Maybe that's the problem.  There are no late comers or tardies to the party.  Don't be tardy to the party.  I believe some men have taken advantage of me, and getting what they want (getting laid or must a make out session) and then run away.  Okay, so maybe I gave in too early.  So that's the hook.  So that means he won and doesn't have to chase anymore.  Shame on me.  I get it.  I've gotten a good morning text now and then but not every day.  Apparently there's supposed to be one every day.  

How is it some can find true love and yet others may never find someone?  I've tried the church thing. There are those that are old enough to be a grandfather, or young enough to be my child, or just women.  So I either settle for a geriatric, date someone that could be my child, or become gay.  I've tried hanging out at a bar but yet I never get approached by anyone.  Is it because I'm not blond enough?  Is it because I'm still not small enough?  Don't like Walking dead. What is it?? 

So can you take a long winter's nap in the Spring? I feel rejected, fooled, like a failure.  Failure that I didn't see the obvious.  Failure because I haven't followed the rules.  Fooled because if truth be known, it was over a month ago. Fooled because I thought it would be different this time.  

The suggestion is for me NOT text or call him.  Let him make the next move.  But when do I realize he's not going to text or call?  Further, he's a coward (and a fool I suppose) if he doesn't step up and let me know he's not in.  I've also been told he's the fool.  It's his problem.  I guess so....but if so, that means I'm the problem.  Match guy was the first man that I had real feelings for.  The first man who I got excited to see.  Got butterflies when he texted or called.  I pictured myself with him.  

Any dating MISadventures are on hold for now.....but I'm still "Dating and afraid."

Christina 

Rule No. 12: Sometimes names are changed to protect the innocent...or not so innocent.

It was a toss up between Christina and Bonny as my name. I was named Christina, because according to my mother, it sounded like a unique name.  Ha!  I ended up going to school with a few Christinas, one of which lived down the street from me, spelled her name the EXACT same way, and whose birthday was just 3 days before mine.  

No I don't have a black book with names and stars by those names.  There's no spreadsheet listing names and ratings.

Last December, Mr. Wonderful walked back in my life.  Mr. Wonderful because he possesses all the qualities I look for.  As in any new relationship, there are those stages, but the comfortability is there. He does have an actual name, which I like saying, but for now he's Mr. Wonderful.  And I like the way he says my name.  Names such as honey, dear, and babe have been bounced around.  He makes / inspires me to do things I've never thought of doing.  On our most recent date, he mentioned jumping out of an airplane.  Now, while I may not jump out of one, I might do the iFly with him.  I also get excited about camping with him.  We have many things in common.

 After I got my feet wet in the dating pool, I gave guys names.  Until I was sure about them, or it wasn't just casual, one time kind of thing date.  It wasn't that I didn't like their names, but it was easier when I'd talk to my friends.  Plus it became entertaining.  Sometimes the name is what they do, or something about their personality, or what they wore.  

First dip in the Tinder pool was with a guy we'll call Electrician guy. (he had a different name but to further protect the innocent....) I don't know why I agreed to meet him for a drink.  He was not my type at all.  And I should have listened to him when he tried to tell me just what a Tinder date is. Ha! Have a good laugh.  We texted back and forth and he eventually disappeared.  Never to be heard from again.  

The next few "dates" from Tinder seemed to blend (more like blur) together.  There was Law Guy who worked as a computer forensics at a law firm.  He actually planned a date at a nice restaurant. We had things in common, but in the end, no sparks, no chemistry, and the fastest (well second fastest) good-bye I've ever experienced.  Again, several texts after the "meet and greet," but nothing substantial.  I somehow figured even mentioning I looked forward to seeing him again scared him. He was gone just as fast as his kiss on the cheek good-bye.  

Oh, then there was Sport Coat Boy.  Now outwardly he appeared normal.  We thought along the same lines.  He dressed okay as far as I could tell.  The only things that gave him away and bothered me were he stared at the game instead of me on the only date.  He lived at home (which no, is not a total deal breaker, but a downer) and somewhat looked like he lived in his truck.  He, too, was after one thing and made it somewhat clear.  I thought I'd see him again, only to be fooled.  

What is that saying?  Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  

Oh, these must not be forgotten. Two Mr. Fifty Shades. One more harsher than the other. I actually passed one of them today on my walk at lunch.  The more handsome one; the harsher one. The second Mr. Fifty Shades wanted a blended version. What?!  Yes I was intrigued, but not enough to go forward with either of them.  When the conversation sounds like an interview, hmm, that's a little strange.  

Can't forget the pilot.  Arrogant.  Baby mama drama.  He had the fastest good-bye.  He started walking me to my car, but not even halfway, he darted off the other direction.  Disappeared into the night.

Then there was the singles group.  Goodness!  Single Peeps (I'll leave out the name to protect the innocent!)  Although just Single Peeps doesn't say much about it.  I met a couple of good guys in the group. There was the PBF (yes there is such a thing...in Single Peep land)....meaning "Pretend Boyfriend." Explanation for another time.  PBF...that's what I'll call him.  Distance kept us apart, also he worked nights, and I worked days.  But he surprised me at my 5k and felt comfortable to sit and have breakfast with me and my girlfriends afterwards.  Good, grounded guy.  Superman v2 was sprinkled somewhere in there.   According to sources, had the reputation of a player.  

The last one takes the cake.  We'll call him Game Boy, to protect the real name I gave him.  However, he's the one (before Mr. Wonderful) I dated the longest.  It started at the Rodeo cook off last year. Then he latched on to me for the next month.  The one and only night I was at his house, I felt like one of his roommates (oh it gets better) friend (a woman) was going to steal my  jean jacket if I took it off.   That was just the start.  Too many issues to count.  I woke up and realized it wasn't what I wanted.

There were a few more;  Superman v1, the horny neighbor, the confused one, not to mention the one who stood me up.....the coward.  But I think I have found my own "Mr. Big."

I suppose I gave these men names because I knew they were just passing through.  And when I look back, my friends and I can laugh about the Pilot, Superman, the Gerkin (oops revealed the real name), knowing they were just tests (lessons) before I happened upon  the real thing.  

Rule 19: Sometimes One Size Fits All Does NOT Fit

Navigating the dating world at age 45 has been a twisted whirlwind of an experience.  A game.  It is not the same as in the 20s and 30s.  The 20s and 30s are about having fun, finding that piece of eye candy, one where the eyes fixate on.   Maybe dating casually.  Technology hasn't helped the dating world either.  For the generation that has grown up with smart phones, texting becomes second nature.  And in the 20s and 30s, maybe life isn't that busy so there is time to text, text, and text.  I have realized in my 40s, I want different things than I may have wanted when I was in my 30s.  

I found in my 40s, after coming late to the dating game, patience was not one of my virtues.  I expected to have the same "perks" as those that were on time to this exclusive club.   I must have had about a thousand "one last times" on the dating sites.  And yet time and time again, I was drawn back to try again.   Do you know how many blogs, articles, and "how tos" there are in cyber world regarding what rules women should follow when it comes to dating?  And there are just as many that men are "supposed" to follow.  Every time I didn't find who I was looking for on one of those dating sites, I felt defeated.  A failure.  Rejected.  I found it hard to wait on God's timing.  Instant gratification.  Yep.  That's what I wanted.   But there was a six month period that made me realize if I trusted Him, everything would be fine.  

One of my favorite movies, Sex and the City has a couple of good quotes.  "Why is it we are willing to write our own vows, but not our own rules?"  I have been dating this wonderful man for coming up on two months.  I am just now starting to feel somewhat comfortable about the relationship.  In the beginning (and there are still days) I was checking off what rules were followed and not followed.  I was soliciting input from people I didn't even know.  Reading their thoughts....they were only offering opinions from how their relationship(s) were.   He wasn't texting enough.  He wasn't following the "script."  Then it happened.

That talk.  And yet I had not yet researched the rules on "the talk."  How it was supposed to happen. The words that were supposed to be spoken.  Yet at a table on his back porch he said what I wanted to hear, in his own words.  Going rogue and using his own script.  In the end, I had to hide the fact it brought me to tears....happy tears.   Yet those stupid rules were still in my head.  Even after he basically said he wasn't going to follow them.  That's when I realized every relationship is different. Relationships are not One Size Fits All.  If they were, now boring would that be?!  

I am learning (slowly) I do not need texts to take over my phone to know he is interested.  Why are texts equated to the level of interest?  A friend of mine put texting in perspective.  It was selfish of her to want to text and/or talk every day/ all day.   This guy that I light up when I see.  I can't wait to see.  He in a position of leadership.   A leader of about 30 people.  Plus suppliers from all over the world.   And he is not in his 20s or 30s.  Our generation did grow up with the smart phone.   There was no texting in our younger years.  

Our relationship certainly does not fit the common mold.  For the last two months, we've shared our budding relationship with bronchitis, the flu, serious stressful issues at work, and a sinus infection. Not the way I hoped to start a relationship.   But I have to believe in faith and trust this is temporary. I now believe in God's timing.  It was timing that brought us back together.  

Blogs about dating rules have seriously tarnished how a relationship is supposed to be.  How is a relationship to be enjoyed when there are rules for it?  How is it to be enjoyed when the green texting bubble somehow takes hostages?  Another quote, "Maybe when we put a label on people....bride, broom, single, married, girlfriend, boyfriend, we look past the person."   The obsession with silly rules, causes me to look past what a wonderful man this person is.  Why should I be concerned at how often he texts?  

I don't want a One Size Fits All relationship.  I want one that fits me.  That feels comfortable.  I would rather admire his passion for working hard, being a great parent, and a great boyfriend.  One where I focus on how he makes me feel.  His bear hugs when he opens the door.  How I feel when he says my name.  That's the kind I want.  

Christina

...and I'm dating.........and afraid. 

Rule no. 53: Sometimes the teenager gets loose

Admit it, we all have that part of us that is still a teenager....when it comes to men.  When he says hi or asks for your number.  I had a friend post something about a man she met. And how he did all these little things and she was giddy inside.  That's how we're supposed to feel.  Sometimes the grown up wants to suppress the teenager, but really is just looking out for us.....as a friend of mine did for me.  

I have to admit, when Match guy reappeared, and he told me what happened with his piece of the past, the teenage girl didn't hear that this woman had some really deep issues and needed to seek help. All she heard was he was available again!  And he had reciprocated and was glad I reached out. She couldn't drag out her notebook fast enough and start doodling.  Right up till he kissed me the mind was in control.  The mind repeated "Act breezy. casual."  Since then, a battle has been fought between the mind and the teenage me.  I am trying to understand a man doesn't have to text you EVERY day to prove his interest in you.  Someone once sent me that saying, If he misses you, he'll call, etc.  True to some extent.  I just don't believe a busy man is going to stop a meeting with clients or the head of the company and say, Excuse me, this girl is texting me and according to the implied rules, I must answer now.  Or while he's sick in bed with the flu (as Match guy is), fighting chills and aches, he's going to reach over and send a text.  I have talked to several women who say their husband (men in general as well) are horrible texters.  Yet, the teenager recites the rules one by one.  

Since Match guy is back in  my life, I can't keep the teenage girl quiet.  Back flips when he's around. Just knowing he wants to see me.  Staring at the photo of us from "before" and thinking what an amazing man he is.  Yes I know what he did was not right.  But whose to say I wouldn't have done the same thing.  I can't blame him for wanting to see if the spark was still there.  

The other night, while waiting on him to finish his meeting, I had the worst anxiety attack.  I guess the teenager just couldn't take it.  Pacing back and forth in the hallway, getting a head start on the wine.  But then as he texted he was leaving the office and would be there soon, we both heaved a sigh of relief.  Wiped our hands across our foreheads.  Whew!  Someone said we're starting over.  If it were up to me, I'd count the dates we had before.....well you know.  Doing it that way, there have been 7 dates.  But another friend (yes, they come out at the oddest times) said we're starting over.  If that is true, then I need to get past the 4th date.  

There is something to getting a text from the man you like in the morning.  It's like you're seeing the words, "I'm fine, I'm alive."  We should feel confident enough that when that text bleeps across our phones, we see it and move on.  But no......we stare at it.  We may cry a little.  I feel like I'm held hostage by that little texting screen and keyboard.  Why should my life be ruled by bleep when a text comes through?  Yet it does.  I heaved a sigh of relief when he texted on Sunday.

Some days I find comfort that are more ladies that I realize that are single and dealing with this.  This, the unknown, the giddiness, the will he or won't he?

Not sure if the teenage girl will ever go away.  I kind of like her.  She reminds us it's fun to be excited about someone new.  To doodle in sparkly pink pen on a notebook.  The cold hands, the anxiety and anxiousness of seeing him....it's all part of it.

Till next time....
Christina.........I'm dating and afraid!