"That feeling you get in your stomach when your heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died."
"If you're brave enough to say good-bye, life will reward you with a new hello."
Believe it or not, I have tried to remain not as transparent or open in most posts. I've tried to remain modest, appropriate for what this blog is. I carefully think of what I am going to write....to put on the screen. But tonight I must be transparent. I must express my true disappointment.
The last 2½ months I thought had been good with Match guy.....I would even go as far to say great. Yes, there were some bumps, pot holes, but I still thought everything was headed on the right track. Apparently I was blind...not because I wanted to be. I thought it would be different this time. I mean, what else was I supposed to think when he wanted to see me and called me honey. Shared very personal things with me about his past. The solicited (or not so solicited) thoughts were that a man wouldn't share that information if he was only into casual dating. He mentioned giving me access to his children's' numbers in case something happened to him. He told me he "didn't want to think of me with anyone else. Didn't want to imagine me with anyone else."
Apparently I have been making excuses for Match guy. I admired the fact he was dedicated to his job. A job that required long hours. Travel. Yet he would still communicate with me. But apparently when a couple is dating, if a man wants to talk to you, he will respond to a text with kissy faces even if he's in the middle of a meeting with customers. And when he was sick with the flu, bronchitis, and a cough, I hoped he felt better. Is he still supposed to text/call me when he has fever, chills, a cough?
The last date was a good one....I thought. He actually suggested we do something. Bowling. He picked me up. We had fun bowling. Showed a little PDA. I suggested we try the Italian restaurant we were going to go to when we first met. It was a nice evening. Nothing appeared off. When he took me home, kisses good night were nice. He texted when he got home. Said he also had a good time. So where did it go wrong? Did it go sour after our text on Wednesday or Thursday?
I decided to tell my sister about him. I needed some advice other than from friends. My main reason for talking to her was to find out when I should tell our mother I was dating someone. But.....after this last week, I wasn't so sure. There were no calls. Texts, yes, but no calls. She gave me the same information my friends had. Not that I didn't believe my friends. But when she asked her husband for a man's perspective, I realized I have been fooling myself. So, the second time, fool me twice, shame on me. He was bothered that Match guy hadn't called all week. He said when a a guy wants to talk to you he'll talk to you. So, in essence, I was forcing this relationship to make a step past the start line.
So here I am yet again heart broken. Yet again wondering what in the hell is wrong with me. It is hard for people to understand yet they say they do. I don't want to be told anymore that God has someone for me. If he does, where is he!? I don't demand a lot. I will not text all day long. I do not have issues with kids (although I'm not sure I want young ones). If a job requires travel (aside from a traveling salesman), I understand. I knew that about him from the first day we met last year.
I am tired. I am frustrated. I realize I've forced whatever effort there was. I've never been chased. I've never been presented with the opportunity to ask someone to help me move something, or with anything and return the favor with dinner. I realize I've come to the party late. Maybe that's the problem. There are no late comers or tardies to the party. Don't be tardy to the party. I believe some men have taken advantage of me, and getting what they want (getting laid or must a make out session) and then run away. Okay, so maybe I gave in too early. So that's the hook. So that means he won and doesn't have to chase anymore. Shame on me. I get it. I've gotten a good morning text now and then but not every day. Apparently there's supposed to be one every day.
How is it some can find true love and yet others may never find someone? I've tried the church thing. There are those that are old enough to be a grandfather, or young enough to be my child, or just women. So I either settle for a geriatric, date someone that could be my child, or become gay. I've tried hanging out at a bar but yet I never get approached by anyone. Is it because I'm not blond enough? Is it because I'm still not small enough? Don't like Walking dead. What is it??
So can you take a long winter's nap in the Spring? I feel rejected, fooled, like a failure. Failure that I didn't see the obvious. Failure because I haven't followed the rules. Fooled because if truth be known, it was over a month ago. Fooled because I thought it would be different this time.
The suggestion is for me NOT text or call him. Let him make the next move. But when do I realize he's not going to text or call? Further, he's a coward (and a fool I suppose) if he doesn't step up and let me know he's not in. I've also been told he's the fool. It's his problem. I guess so....but if so, that means I'm the problem. Match guy was the first man that I had real feelings for. The first man who I got excited to see. Got butterflies when he texted or called. I pictured myself with him.
Any dating MISadventures are on hold for now.....but I'm still "Dating and afraid."
Christina
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