Open Letter

Dear Coward,

I thought when I saw your profile on the dating site, it must be a sign.  A sign that whatever we started over the summer should be continued.  Explored.  I'm not one for taking chances, but when I reached out and received a response, I was happy.  Excited.  I spent all morning getting ready to meet you for lunch.  I wanted to look nice.  But I was also trying to act breezy.  Causal.  Treating it like meeting a friend for lunch.  No expectations.  That is what my friends tell me.  What was I supposed to think when you apologized for the way things ended six months prior?  I didn't deserve that, you said.  How was I supposed to react when you said you had thought about me?  I reacted like any woman would hearing that from a man whom she was attracted.  

I will admit we went a little fast 6 months prior to me finding you again.  Was that it?  Intimacy is different for women I believe.  Once that happens, the investment is greater.  Attachment enters the picture.  Maybe that was the problem.  So when we reconnected it seemed natural to  pick up where we left off.  I found comfort (maybe assurance) that you were a monogamous type man  Didn't sleep around.  No serial dating.  I felt natural around your children.  You said your daughter liked me as well as your son.  I think her response to when I joked and said maybe I'll be around for Valentine's Day, was "Oh you will be."  Do you know how that made me feel?  I felt giddy.  Like I wanted to not stop smiling.  Cry happy tears.  

One month passed, then two months.  We talked about how often we'd see each other.  You were calling me.  But there was an elephant in the room.  The demands of your job.  And all that was on your plate.  If I had been honest with myself, I would have known that you were using the demands of your job as an excuse.  If you were really interested in developing something with me, you'd make time for me.  But I thought as long as we were talking on the phone and texting things were still okay. That when you said you wanted to see me too, you meant it.  That when you told me personal stuff about your childhood, the years after your wife died, that you trusted me and wanted to grow with me.

When you told me you didn't want to "imagine me with anyone else" or "think of me with anyone else" you were telling me you wanted to see only me.  You wanted to see only me.  I was listening to the conversation and thought he is saying what I've wanted to hear.  You used those terms of endearment that make a woman feel special and hearing them come from you put me on cloud nine. 

All I have to say is you are a coward.  A coward for not telling me after our last date that you didn't want to see me anymore.  Maybe you have too much on your plate to have a relationship right now. Maybe I became something you realized you didn't want.  You're a coward for not telling me the truth. If you knew that you weren't going to call me back when I left you a couple of messages, you should have told me.  If the last text I sent you was really the last text, you needed to step up, be a man, and tell me you didn't want to see me anymore.  A man doesn't leave a woman hanging.  He doesn't "ghost."  I wasted 2 days on you.  Crying because I thought I found a great man.  A man who knew what I have gone through the last few years and still wanted to be with me.  Or least I thought.  

What is it?  Was there someone else?  Another "old love interest?" Or did you realize you love your job more than you enjoy having a relationship?  Can't deal with working on a relationship, a job, etc." Then you're not ready for another woman in your life.  That is probably why the relationship you stopped seeing me for in the summer ended.  That is probably why your second marriage ended.  

So if by some strange event I was to hear from you, this is what I would say.  I deserve someone who texts me in the morning so I know he's thinking about me.  Someone who makes time to see me, even though he has a tough job.  I want someone who is a good communicator.  Not a texter?  Okay, so phone calls.  Those rides home from work you could have called me.  If I am seeing a man for a few months, I want to know he wants to see me every weekend  I don't want to have to guess what I'm going to be doing.  Actions speak louder than words.  

That is what I learned from dating you.  I will say I am sorry we couldn't see if there was something there.  I am sorry I fell for whatever game you were playing a second time.  It won't happen again.  

Sincerely,

Christina 

Smart(er) girl... but still dating and afraid