Rule #22: Sometimes it's okay if you don't get back up

Is there ever a craving that nothing will ever satisfy it?  This has been the longest year I believe I have experienced.  Year 2020 has broken all sorts of records in just about every category; weather, news, and life in general.  One of the biggest areas being the dating scene...at least for the singles.  

Now, normally although men are not knocking down my door, in a given year there might be maybe 3-4 blind dates (meet and greets).   I remember the feeling of anxiety and excitement of meeting someone new.  Would there be chemistry?  If there was, would there be a good night kiss or hug?  

The prospects on the dating sites and apps have been almost nothing in the last few months.  I don't remember craving the touch of a hand so much.  Holding hands.  Those hands fitting together.  Craving that light, nonchalant good night kiss.  Talking for hours.  Laughing uncontrollably.  

If the only choices were to transition to "zoom" dating or live like a crazy cat lady, I might have to opt for the latter.  I'm sorry but zoom/virtual dating is not dating.  No hands can be held.  There are the light touches.  Just two pairs of eyes staring into a computer screen.  No thank you. 

I'd rather binge watch reruns of some mindless TV show than go on a virtual date.   And it looks that way.  The weather is already turning colder.  I have plenty of nice warm and a blanket or two.  

Even with the world reentering what it used to know, the dates I've been on, other than the lack of chemistry, felt weird.  I mean, what do you talk about?  Regardless of the situation, guys still need to step up and not let their words speak louder than their actions.  

For each of us, there are certain things that make us feel giggly or that we might like the other person.  For starters for me, if I like the way you talk on the phone, there's hope.  I talked with a man recently and after I hung I felt nothing whatsoever.  

This time has given me the opportunity to really think about what I want.  I'll be fifty next June.  What I wanted even in my early 40s may change now.  I mean, early 40s I was just starting to play the dating game.  Now, after have some time under my belt, there are things that I would rather have than others.  

I had what was the 3rd date of 2020.  Picture it:  Boy matches with girl.  Girl messages boy.  Boy calls girl and they talk for hours.  Boy asks girl to dinner.  Dinner was wonderful and we then drove through a neighborhood to look at Christmas lights.  He seemed to be a well rounded man.  Respectful.  

But, as I can predict these things now, it was one and done.  So I proceeded to pick apart the entire evening.  Was it something I said?  Or didn't say?  I'll never know.  It's rare that a man will text you to tell you he doesn't have an interest in pursuing.  Instead, they choose to ghost.  Seriously?!  

I'm frustrated and tired of going on one and dones.  Would it be better if I pretended not to be interested in case the man feels the same way?  Society has made it difficult for the dating game to succeed.  A man looks at a woman and if she weighs more than 150 lbs they assume she can't keep up with him, or she's not "fit and toned."  I would love to tell these men that yes, I may not be a super model but I workout 5-6 days a week.   Society has made it difficult to succeed because of the unwritten rules and "scripts" men are to follow.   

When someone really, truly wants to talk to me, see me, wants me and make me part of their day, it's more attractive than what they may be wearing.  Or that they shaved their beard.  What happened to that?  

I'll turn 50 in 2021 and I've decided to take a break and remove myself from the dating game.  Bench myself.   I'm not sure for how long.  Some men need a refresher on how to treat women and how to date.  

For now, I'll just be afraid in 2021, minus the dating.  

Rule 40: IRL still means In Real Life

Have we all of a sudden started living like the Jetsons?  Or afraid of the apocalypse? The pandemic has done a number on the dating scene.  In the blink of an eye, going on a date IRL seems to be taboo. The latest change in dating aps is choosing your status as "virtual" and "social distancing," or "with mask."  What?! 

I've been on two dates during this pandemic.  At least I think there were two.....apparently the impressions were less than memorable.  They both sounded great on the phone and had substance to the conversations.  Trump Jr (as I like to call one)  communicated like I have envisioned.  Phone calls for no reason other than they were thinking of me.  He had the hardiest laugh.  And although he didn't really ask questions (which I know isn't the norm nowadays), he was able to get me to tell him about myself.  But...as is with dating sites/aps, there is always someone waiting in the wings (on their side, not mine).  His texts became less and so did the phone calls. Trump Jr seemed very particular with what he wanted in a relationship (as he should) and had a unique way to weed out the undesirables.  I get the sense you want the Cliffs Notes version so here it is.....met him for "lunch," which consisted of guac and chips, at what he called the "best Mexican restaurant" in the area.  Obviously he doesn't get out much.  He said he could do anything for an hour.  You guessed it, after an hour, he somewhat abruptly ended our "meet and greet."  To his credit, he did let me know he wasn't interested in pursuing....through a text.  And if truth be known, not sure I was all that impressed with him IRL (code for in real life....why don't we just use the words?). 

I knew immediately when Caveman (as I call the other one) walked up, there was zero chemistry. He also called and we talked for a couple of hours. He told me stories that sounded funny and heartfelt. There wasn't much to this "meet and greet."  At times, crickets dominated the conversation.  What drastically lowered this impression was when he talked with his mouth full.  If that wasn't bad, he held his fork like a hammer, sometimes paired with talking with the mouth full.  Not appealing.  Guys!  Come on!  

I did message with some unmentionables.  Texts and messages that seem to go in circles.  At age 50....okay almost 50, I'm not interested in playing games.  And ironically, that phrase appears mostly in dating profiles.  No games and no drama.  Um, okay.  Walk the talk I say.  

The digital age has seem to dominate not only the working world, but starting to consume the dating scene as well.  Not sure about you, but a "virtual date" is just not the same as a live date.  And when someone chooses "virtual" or "social distancing" as their status, what does that mean?  It doesn't mean the same as single, divorced, etc.  Are they virtually single?  Maybe social distancing while divorcing?  I wish Bumble would come up with different choices with relationship choices.  "Don't know" and "Not sure yet" are so open ended.  That almost means the same as casual.  I'm not looking for casual. 

....and to add to random thoughts, what is it with the sunglasses in EVERY picture.  Wearing a mask in a picture is bad enough, but paired with sunglasses, the man almost looks like a wanted poster.  

I've realized a few things during these strange and uncertain months....any semblance of normal socializing has all but withered.  For months, there was no human interaction. No reason to dress up (shower for that matter).  No excitement of putting a face to the voice heard over the telephone or texts exchanged for weeks.  Paused.   Instead of articles offering advice on first date good night kisses, the internet was swarmed with articles on how this pandemic has changed dating.  As if singles didn't have enough to worry about!!  Is it safe to kiss?  Do you still go out to eat? Suggestions on "virtual dating."  I don't know about any other singles, but if I'm going on a cooking class date, it better be IRL.  

Not that I had much of this prior to this pandemic, but it just magnifies the fact that possibility of physical touch also decreased.  Living alone, human touch isn't something in abundance.  Besides the small nervous kisses at the end of dates, gone were the high fives at boot camp.  Gone were hugs from friends.  Hands can't be held during a zoom call.  Staring into some dreamy eyes virtually just isn't the same.   

And although I try to keep this blog PG, there is this....(and not that any chances came up - at least there were possibilities prior to IT), s-e-x (whisper) has been taken off the table.  I miss what a real kiss feels like.  I miss holding hands with a man I find attractive.  I miss feeling an arm around my shoulders. 

Being single, dating and afraid (no more true than now), and trying to navigate this strange world, sitting at home, there's no one to talk to.  No one to ask about your day, or to express your anxiety over when will the mask mandate be lifted or when will dancing be allowed.  No one to calm you with their assurances.   There is Facetime and Zoom, but who wants to see themselves in the chat window or gallery?!  

Dating apps might be raking in profits, but the scenery hasn't changed.  I've learned, with the exception of a few, men on dating apps never seem to keep a conversation (of substance) going for more than 5 minutes before their eyes catch another shiny object.  

Virtual dating is not any more above the bar than IRL dating.  Men might think virtual dating is easy.......no commitment of time on their part, no need to pick a restaurant, let alone plan a date.  Doesn't stop them from canceling.  Ghosting still happens.  So where does that leave the dating world in 2020?!

Not sure about the other singles, but I'm still dating and afraid and probably will be come 2021! 

Christina

Rule No. 13: Another one will be along any minute

After a long (and maybe much needed) hiatus, I'm back.  Yes, the singleista who's ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive or have anxiety attacks when he says he'll text. Yes the one who abandoned the blog and was going to give up.  It's sweet some of you may have wondered if I found the "one."  Unfortunately no.  There have been a few misadventures.  Where do I begin?

There was the quasi match guy.  Met him on match.com.  Met for drinks one evening and the next weekend ventured out (with my google map bff) to Fulshear to see him.  For the most part, I'm still new to the dating world being over 40 so there's a term or two I'm getting familiar with.   "Hang out" is one.  Then came "the" text the following morning.  I'm wonderful and a good time was had but I wasn't the "quasi match."  Seriously!   What a fancy term!  I then accidentally dialed his number.  That's why I usually either block his number or delete it altogether. 

There was a bumble date or two.  You know the latest dating app - Bumble.  Where the women make the first move - and in most of my cases, the only move.  Spent my New Years Eve and day with a bumble date.  We talked for hours on New Years Eve and in a moment of weakness, I got in my car and drove to Cypress.  This man, whom I hadn't met yet, rescued me from the fog.  Had to be a decent guy right?  I learned how to hold a glock and shoot one.  Spent most of New Years day but in the end, never heard from him.   Met another Bumble date at my favorite local wine lounge.  Text book kind of date in my book.  Then there it was.  On a park bench, Mr. Handsy appeared.  What happened to the simple conversation or good night kiss?  Another one date wonder.  

I tried the long distance thing.  Prime example of person doesn't look like they sound.  Great banter over the phone.  Met in person and total let down.  Again what is it with Mr. Handsy and that three letter word (s-e-x)?  

Decided to quit the Tinder app.  I don't care if someone's sister met her husband from it - bets are the marriage will not last.  Then it happened.  

And yes I should be slapped.  I saw him on Bumble.  A past Tinder date that showed up on Match then Bumble.  The one who couldn't seem to go away.  

After about the third time I saw his picture on Bumble, I decided to reach out - again.  If it didn't work from Tinder and Match, why did I think it would work third time.  Third time's a charm right?  It had to be a sign.  Sitting in my car before yoga I hit send with a text.  I would be no worse off than before if no response.  He replied - positively.  Again, I thought a sign.  I won't bore you with the details, just to say in the end those red flags my heart so wanted to overlook were not so for my brain.  His last text blamed me for some of the demise of the relationship this time.  While I could take partial blame, he was not totally blameless.  

So what do I do now?  Yes I know he's not the only one.  I suppose while I am trying to live my life another one will be along any minute..  I still get giddy when I see the fireman at the store.  I've though of taking myself out.  Or redo the happy hour Steve Harvey style - and this time sit a table not the bar.  

All the while, still dating and afraid.   What will 2020 bring?  

Christina 

Rule No. 35: Sometimes to just abandon something is the only way to go.

Let’s face it. I am certainly not an expert in the dating arena. It has been challenging. Difficult at times. I started this blog to chronicle my dating MISadventures.  While at the same time, letting a good one (or what I thought to be a good one) sneak in a time or two. In high school, I did not have a boyfriend; although I had several crushes on a few. Nor did I date at the young age of 16.  I wandered through 2 years of college without a single interest. At some point, I thought finding THE ONE was part of the grand life plan. 

The twenties and thirties breezed through and before I knew it I was in my 40s and still single. Never been married.  Never had a real relationship.  Maybe me being overweight was a factor. I shut myself off from the world because, in my mind, overweight women just don’t find love.  So now the middle to late 40s are well under way and yet no man friend.  Friends (and strangers) have good intentions when they tell me someone is out there; but I really find that hard to grasp.  If there was, I believe the person would have made himself known.  I really wish you could walk in my shoes. I don’t receive invites. Happenstance doesn’t happen to me.  Too many one date wonders. Too many weeds.

I have become tired. Restless.  Frustrated.  Somewhat hopeless. There are some people who are not meant to be in long term relationships and I believe I am one of them. I have longed for the relationship of yesteryear (with of course today’s technology).  I am tired of hearing of “rules.”  I do not wish for much.  A normal man. Someone to hold hands with.  Someone who will let me know how he feels. Yes, text a time or two.  Not leave me guessing.  And there are more. 

Why is it so challenging?  Have I been told I am beautiful, smart, funny and a host of other things just because? Have I been told those things just so someone could get something in return?  It is a harsh reality I hope my married friends are thankful they do not have to navigate.  I will admit I fell prey to some of it.  Part of my exploration I suppose. 

I have given myself and the men in the world too many “second chances” or “one more time.”  Not sure what I was expecting from those last-ditch efforts.  The questions “Why are you still single?” or “Why have you never been married?” can only be answered so many times.  In their heads, men probably want to tack on “….at 46.”  Online dating is certainly not normal. To its credit, I have met some interesting people.  I am a magnet for the ones trying to “fake it till they make it” or to get lucky.  I have reported more fake people than I care to. 

I have thought of trying something different since the conventional way of dating / long term does not seem to be in the cards for me.  But that idea probably would not work either.  The next 4 years will zoom by (look how this year has) and before I know it, I will be 50!  Fifty and single – never been married.  And at this point, I am not sure I want to be married.  Long term, yes.  Bride, not so sure. 

If you’ve reached this point, congratulations! I promise I’ll wrap it up…

Why am I putting time / energy into this blog?  The energy needs to go to my other blog that has inspired people.  Not sure what I’ll fill my time with but I am sure I will find something.  If it weren’t for the dating mishaps I have experienced this blog would not exist.  However, at the same time I do not flourish when writing for this blog.  I will work on cultivating the relationships I have with my girlfriends.  After all, they are my salvation. 

This is my last post on this blog.  I know I have said I’m giving up more than a time or two.  Third time is the charm…. right?  I will not be showing up at any reunion.  It is not in the stars (as the sweet 16 me used to think) for me to have a special someone.  They just don’t know what they are missing out on.  I have been told time and time again “it’ll come when you’re least expecting it.”  Thank you, but the saying does not carry much weight any more.  I have not disappeared off the grid altogether. Check out my other blog (one that I truly have experience in) and Instagram.  And you can always text or message me.  

Rule No. 43: All roads lead back to that little three letter word

I realize I came late to the dating game.  I did not wait or read for that matter for the game rules.  I jumped right in and started playing when I should have read up on the what to do and what not to dos.  To say the least, it has been a shocker over the last year or so.

Most of my dates have been from online dating sites with a few from meeting in a group.  The good and bad.  Not sure if it's my lateness to the game or what, but I am realizing all conversations somehow lead to one word or subject: S-E-X.  Ugh! It's done so sneaky as well.

This woman I know is also dabbling in online dating.  She recently had a date who, after only talking with her for a short time, injected that word.  Where does it say that after talking to / knowing a man for 5 minutes, he can bring up that?!  She had no problem telling him she felt uncomfortable with that conversation.  They still met but once he realized she was not contributing to that conversation, she noticed he was less than interested in the rest of the evening.

I recently talked with two men who brought S-E-X up pretty quickly.  Okay, so I knew the first one probably wouldn't go anywhere.  He actually was a 50 shades kind of guy!  Not sure if it was the deep voice or what, but I found talking to him quite intriguing and interesting.  And to his credit, not all the conversations were about that!  But just as mysterious and sometimes alluding as the character himself, the man vanished.  Ghosted me.  Not too bummed about it.  Although I liked hearing that deep masculine voice say my name.   The second one stated in his profile he wanted to start out as friends, build something.  He wasn't in a rush.  Soon after we exchanged numbers and texting started, so did the subtle sexual innuendos.  I tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.  And while it worked at certain times, it always seemed to circle back around.  He told me things that really fell in the TMI category.  My steering was unsuccessful and he also disappeared.

I've heard dating is to weed out the good from the bad.  Well it appears all I've had are weeds.  Even the one who I thought was a good catch was a weed.  And I shouldn't admit this because the friends reading this will shake their fingers at me, but he's crossed my mind lately.  Not sure why.  

Just like certain fashion generations are coming back, why can't dating go back to 1980?  When there were no cell phones, no texting.  People actually talked and got to know one another before clothes came off.  I remember even in the early 1990s I met a guy while working at Weiners and we used the good old land line.  There was no mention of favorite positions.  Of course, it didn't work out. Apparently he was a serial dater and I was at the end of a long line.  

I've constantly read about the 3 date rule before even venturing into anything sexual but maybe there needs to be a 3 (or more) text rule before it's brought up.  If truth be told, if I'm chatting / messaging with a man whom I'd like to build a relationship with, it becomes a turn off if he constantly talks about his stamina, how everything I say sounds sexy or requests racy pictures before we have our first kiss.  But I'm realizing apparently that's the norm these days. 

A seemingly normal man reaches out and thoughts of being courted, dates, and no sex talk until the right time fill the mind.  Then it happens.  I realized that there's nothing traditional or 1980s about online dating. So if there's a guy reading my blog, you might ask when is the right time?  Hopefully you know that the first date, or even messages BEFORE the first date is not appropriate.  

However, one could look at online dating this way; the profile's purpose is to offer a peek into what may be their personality.  A "take it or leave it" approach.  If so, then I'm going to be choosing the latter option until I come across one that is mature enough to hold off on letting me know his favorite position or that he has incredible stamina.  And as always, I'll be....

Dating and Afraid!

Christina

Rule No. 11: Dating is like a puzzle; search is on for that last piece that fits

I walked past some jigsaw puzzles the other day.   You don't hear too much anymore of people putting together those tiny odd shaped pieces to make it look like a group of cats, or a collage of ice cream.  

My dating life lately seems to be like a puzzle. The only exception is that I'm gathering the pieces one by one (sometimes two by two) and I'm really not sure what it will look like when it's finished.  The first several dates are similar to pieces of the puzzle.  The norm is to open the box and find all the straight edged pieces to form a frame.  These dates, like puzzle pieces, form somewhat of a framework of what is to come.  But it may take time to put all the straight edges together.  In the meantime, more pieces are being gathered and I am trying to fit them together.  After each date I've had, it's like I've picked up a piece of the puzzle. There are certain things I learn from these dates....about myself and the dating scene itself.  There's a lot of trial and error and every piece out in the middle is like learning something new.  What takes priority.  Hoping that piece will eventually connect with other pieces to evolve into an image.

Right now I feel like I have many pieces that don't connect.  There's no framework to my puzzle.  The last relationship with Match guy #1 was what I thought was the missing piece.  But as hard as I tried, the puzzle wouldn't fit together.  It wasn't a right fit.  Maybe I was trying to merge two puzzles together that didn't go together at all.  Then men and/or dates before and after him have been smaller pieces.

For some it takes longer to find that last piece that fits the puzzle and completes it.  That's me.  I've been on some dates where I thought he had everything.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was still a piece missing.  I had a one date wonder on Saturday.  He took me to a nice restaurant and seemed quite interested.  You know, the calls every night, texts during the day.  I was letting him lead.  But then it all stopped.  Although if truth be told, I wasn't all that interested in him (there were some bothersome things), it's still frustrating to be left to wonder.  But I can say I picked up a piece of the puzzle.

Maybe because of the long list of "must haves" it's harder to find the right pieces.  I look at my puzzle sometimes and realize it's mostly sky and green grass.  And I tend to be a little envious of those that can find that last remaining piece and it fits right immediately.  Several times I have felt as if I need to give the person a chance.  Either they seem really nice or their profile reads like a statement for the perfect boyfriend.  But then my intuition kicks in.  Something may not feel right.  And although sometimes I need to hear that dreaded single person cliche, I know deep down they're not for me.  For one reason or another.  It sucks big time.  As much as I wanted it to work with Match #1, it just didn't.  As great as a puzzle piece he might have been, he didn't fit my puzzle.

Who knows why some people complete their puzzle sooner than others! That's life.  And on some days, I am okay with it.  Then there are other days (like today) when I'd like to just give up. Scatter the puzzle I have across the floor.  That's life.  Dating and finding that one special person is part of a puzzle.  Dating is, essentially, searching for the missing puzzle piece.  Whether it be the last corner of the frame or that last piece in the middle.

I've been working on mine for quite some time.  I'm tired.  When I go on a date, I almost just want to say up front, can I just have my puzzle piece and go home?  However it could be the last piece I'm looking for.

Until I find that last fitting piece, I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Christina

Rule No. 7: Every woman wants to be somebody's Chelsea

I wish I could say I know what it's like to be on the mind of a man, missing me, wanting to talk to me. It's everywhere.  Pictures of happy couples.  I have realized I'm doing something wrong.  I want to be the reason a man can't wait to get home because he's going to see me.  While driving home will call to see how my day was.  I want a man to love me for me....all the curves of m body, all my little quirks, and the fact I don't put on a front.  

What does it take?  My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last summer.  My sister and I have heard the story of how they met time and time again.  Hearing it makes it sound like something out of a cheesy sitcom. And if mom hadn't met dad, and continued to date the man she was dating, my last name could very well be Pretty. Yes, it's funny...have a laugh.  These days, meeting by happenstance doesn't occur that much.  I rarely hear of any "set ups" or I know this friend who has a friend.  And yet, couples are everywhere.  Newly engaged couples, couple who have been together for what seems like ages, new couples still navigating the dating game.  Trying to figure out when to have the talk or decide if they want to see that person again.  I've been there. Always trying to figure out if I get a second or third chance with the One Date Wonder.  

I find it hard to believe that women (and I know a few) don't really want a boyfriend.  In their mind, that means having to work at a relationship.  Someone mentioned to me she wants an "instant" relationship.  The other one doesn't really care about dating at all.  I told them neither was going to convert me.  I want to be that picture in his wallet.  I want to have that great love story to tell. Whether it's a Tinder story [and that would be rare] (not happening mainly because my phone can't run it anymore), or a Match story, or simply I saw him in  a bar and decided to walk over kind of story, I want one.  As a facebook person of mine kindly and sweetly proclaimed, it's time for the last first date.  These one date wonders are not fun anymore.  I don't really want to hear crickets again.  

In today's dating arena, it's become hard to become someone's one and only girl. You're either "talking to" a few possible suitors or having to create a spreadsheet so tardiness or mix ups won't be an issue.  As much as I've been told to "keep my options open" and play the field, I don't think I can do that.  

Just the other day I was not only messaging a man from Match but a match from Eharmony I messaged decided to return the favor.  Then, for whatever reason, he went MIA.  The Match Guy  V2 (no not the same one - gosh I wouldn't do that again!) eventually won and we swapped numbers.  My walking buddy emphatically stated she didn't want to be married again or have a relationship; although the FWB relationship she was in at the moment seemed to suit her just fine.  She had been married and had children; that's all she wanted.

I realize my dating skills need work.  I need to be reminded to not have expectations - high or otherwise.  Act breezy casual.  What is it my soul sister said?  Remember be calm and collective.  I want that last first date.  A fantastic love story that can be told over and over.  I wonder if any man has been told by a woman she wants to be somebody's Chelsea if she is unhappy.  That could be something to try.  Too I haven't heard from the Coward (or as my neighbor likes to call him "the dick"), I think I would tell him that.

Somebody's Chelsea....that's what I want to be.  But until then, I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Be brave out there....but careful!

Christina