Rule No. 7: Every woman wants to be somebody's Chelsea

I wish I could say I know what it's like to be on the mind of a man, missing me, wanting to talk to me. It's everywhere.  Pictures of happy couples.  I have realized I'm doing something wrong.  I want to be the reason a man can't wait to get home because he's going to see me.  While driving home will call to see how my day was.  I want a man to love me for me....all the curves of m body, all my little quirks, and the fact I don't put on a front.  

What does it take?  My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last summer.  My sister and I have heard the story of how they met time and time again.  Hearing it makes it sound like something out of a cheesy sitcom. And if mom hadn't met dad, and continued to date the man she was dating, my last name could very well be Pretty. Yes, it's funny...have a laugh.  These days, meeting by happenstance doesn't occur that much.  I rarely hear of any "set ups" or I know this friend who has a friend.  And yet, couples are everywhere.  Newly engaged couples, couple who have been together for what seems like ages, new couples still navigating the dating game.  Trying to figure out when to have the talk or decide if they want to see that person again.  I've been there. Always trying to figure out if I get a second or third chance with the One Date Wonder.  

I find it hard to believe that women (and I know a few) don't really want a boyfriend.  In their mind, that means having to work at a relationship.  Someone mentioned to me she wants an "instant" relationship.  The other one doesn't really care about dating at all.  I told them neither was going to convert me.  I want to be that picture in his wallet.  I want to have that great love story to tell. Whether it's a Tinder story [and that would be rare] (not happening mainly because my phone can't run it anymore), or a Match story, or simply I saw him in  a bar and decided to walk over kind of story, I want one.  As a facebook person of mine kindly and sweetly proclaimed, it's time for the last first date.  These one date wonders are not fun anymore.  I don't really want to hear crickets again.  

In today's dating arena, it's become hard to become someone's one and only girl. You're either "talking to" a few possible suitors or having to create a spreadsheet so tardiness or mix ups won't be an issue.  As much as I've been told to "keep my options open" and play the field, I don't think I can do that.  

Just the other day I was not only messaging a man from Match but a match from Eharmony I messaged decided to return the favor.  Then, for whatever reason, he went MIA.  The Match Guy  V2 (no not the same one - gosh I wouldn't do that again!) eventually won and we swapped numbers.  My walking buddy emphatically stated she didn't want to be married again or have a relationship; although the FWB relationship she was in at the moment seemed to suit her just fine.  She had been married and had children; that's all she wanted.

I realize my dating skills need work.  I need to be reminded to not have expectations - high or otherwise.  Act breezy casual.  What is it my soul sister said?  Remember be calm and collective.  I want that last first date.  A fantastic love story that can be told over and over.  I wonder if any man has been told by a woman she wants to be somebody's Chelsea if she is unhappy.  That could be something to try.  Too I haven't heard from the Coward (or as my neighbor likes to call him "the dick"), I think I would tell him that.

Somebody's Chelsea....that's what I want to be.  But until then, I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Be brave out there....but careful!

Christina 

Rule No. 5: He's got to express himself.....

So what did I learn from the second and final time with Match guy?  Well, I learned that talk is talk and until there are actions, lips are moving, but they lie.  I realized he probably doesn't know what he wants.  I gave myself two days of tears, shouting matches with friends and wondering what's wrong with me.  Then I got up, dusted myself off and moved on.  The time wasn't right for me in the summer, and so maybe the time wasn't right for him now.  Whatever, the reason, he's still a coward for not being honest with me.  Expressing himself.....even if it was in a negative way. 

I signed up on EHarmony.  They now own me until July.  The first few weeks twelve matches were presented to me and I sent smiles to every single one.  Probably a bad move on my part.  One guy reached out and we met for a beer.  Awkward.  Not crickets awkward, but when you have to think of subjects to talk about, there's a problem.  I wasn't feeling it and neither was he.  But, he didn't have to complain about the drive to The Woodlands.  You can bet if a guy gives me the option of picking a place, he best be ready to drive to where I am.  So now the match(es) trickle in.  One a week.  

And unlike before, I do not have a weird feeling Match guy will show back up.  Well, I did for a fleeting second when my friend and I walked/ran the 5K this past weekend.  I thought, of all times, this would be when I see him.  But nope....as my friend said, on the plus side he wasn't there.  She said on the plus side because I left my fitbit at home and wasn't able to count those steps!  I think maybe God wanted to prove something to me.  I still believe in his timing, although right now I am not liking it.  I guess He allowed Match guy to come back only to show me he wasn't the right one; maybe for now or ever.  After thinking about it, he lacked some of the things I like to have in a mate. A good communicator for one.  

I reactivated my Match profile and am debating whether or not to subscribe to read the 38 emails.  I am sure, like my neighbor, some of them will be scammers, or ones that aren't my type.  They could also be the little automatic replies saying the man doesn't like "winks."  Send a message of substance. Whatever!  

Then there are the eggs in my basket.  Apparently I need to have several baskets with eggs in all of them.  I am using this time to take the boyfriend weight off.  The weight of not one, but two, boyfriends!  And I'm having success so far.  I know what will happen, just in time when I finally get to my happy number, I'll meet a great guy.  I'll get all giddy and more boyfriend weight will go on. But that's a post for my Glitter All the Weigh page.  

I do miss the hand holding.  The feeling I have when I see him (general use of course).  If I really like a man, I get a certain vibe and look forward to hearing from him and seeing him.  I miss the small kisses that seem so normal.  

I am not so much soliciting advice from strangers anymore.  Really, there's nothing to solicit for.  And if I keep it up, I won't have many friends to follow on Facebook.  There are days when I really don't want to read about some one's guy or "love" cooking them dinner. Or how they're the best boyfriend ever.  So I unfollow them.  Just for a while.  I deserve to be happy just like them.   I have not had the guy that texts just for the heck of it.   I have not had that guy want to talk to me in the middle of the day so he calls on his way home from work.  

There have been a few guys that I follow on Facebook that say they want their last first date and will they ever find her. I want to throw up my hands and shout, Yes!  Here I am!  I want that last first date. If they would just take the time to get to know me.  Beyond the non-existent boobs and non-Barbieesque figure.  I am a great girlfriend.  I am not demanding.  I don't care if you have guys night. Because I need girls' night!  I understand about children.  I wouldn't expect to be put above them. 

Not sure how long till my next date.  Could be weeks.  Could be months.  Whenever it is, you can be sure I'll post about it.  And I'll be Dating and Afraid!

Christina 

Open Letter

Dear Coward,

I thought when I saw your profile on the dating site, it must be a sign.  A sign that whatever we started over the summer should be continued.  Explored.  I'm not one for taking chances, but when I reached out and received a response, I was happy.  Excited.  I spent all morning getting ready to meet you for lunch.  I wanted to look nice.  But I was also trying to act breezy.  Causal.  Treating it like meeting a friend for lunch.  No expectations.  That is what my friends tell me.  What was I supposed to think when you apologized for the way things ended six months prior?  I didn't deserve that, you said.  How was I supposed to react when you said you had thought about me?  I reacted like any woman would hearing that from a man whom she was attracted.  

I will admit we went a little fast 6 months prior to me finding you again.  Was that it?  Intimacy is different for women I believe.  Once that happens, the investment is greater.  Attachment enters the picture.  Maybe that was the problem.  So when we reconnected it seemed natural to  pick up where we left off.  I found comfort (maybe assurance) that you were a monogamous type man  Didn't sleep around.  No serial dating.  I felt natural around your children.  You said your daughter liked me as well as your son.  I think her response to when I joked and said maybe I'll be around for Valentine's Day, was "Oh you will be."  Do you know how that made me feel?  I felt giddy.  Like I wanted to not stop smiling.  Cry happy tears.  

One month passed, then two months.  We talked about how often we'd see each other.  You were calling me.  But there was an elephant in the room.  The demands of your job.  And all that was on your plate.  If I had been honest with myself, I would have known that you were using the demands of your job as an excuse.  If you were really interested in developing something with me, you'd make time for me.  But I thought as long as we were talking on the phone and texting things were still okay. That when you said you wanted to see me too, you meant it.  That when you told me personal stuff about your childhood, the years after your wife died, that you trusted me and wanted to grow with me.

When you told me you didn't want to "imagine me with anyone else" or "think of me with anyone else" you were telling me you wanted to see only me.  You wanted to see only me.  I was listening to the conversation and thought he is saying what I've wanted to hear.  You used those terms of endearment that make a woman feel special and hearing them come from you put me on cloud nine. 

All I have to say is you are a coward.  A coward for not telling me after our last date that you didn't want to see me anymore.  Maybe you have too much on your plate to have a relationship right now. Maybe I became something you realized you didn't want.  You're a coward for not telling me the truth. If you knew that you weren't going to call me back when I left you a couple of messages, you should have told me.  If the last text I sent you was really the last text, you needed to step up, be a man, and tell me you didn't want to see me anymore.  A man doesn't leave a woman hanging.  He doesn't "ghost."  I wasted 2 days on you.  Crying because I thought I found a great man.  A man who knew what I have gone through the last few years and still wanted to be with me.  Or least I thought.  

What is it?  Was there someone else?  Another "old love interest?" Or did you realize you love your job more than you enjoy having a relationship?  Can't deal with working on a relationship, a job, etc." Then you're not ready for another woman in your life.  That is probably why the relationship you stopped seeing me for in the summer ended.  That is probably why your second marriage ended.  

So if by some strange event I was to hear from you, this is what I would say.  I deserve someone who texts me in the morning so I know he's thinking about me.  Someone who makes time to see me, even though he has a tough job.  I want someone who is a good communicator.  Not a texter?  Okay, so phone calls.  Those rides home from work you could have called me.  If I am seeing a man for a few months, I want to know he wants to see me every weekend  I don't want to have to guess what I'm going to be doing.  Actions speak louder than words.  

That is what I learned from dating you.  I will say I am sorry we couldn't see if there was something there.  I am sorry I fell for whatever game you were playing a second time.  It won't happen again.  

Sincerely,

Christina 

Smart(er) girl... but still dating and afraid