Rule No. 25: Know when to walk away

"Every woman who finally figured out her worth has picked up her suitcase of pride and boarded a flight to freedom which landed in the valley of change."

Where should I start?  For some, to walk away is effortless.  Others, it takes courage and dignity to walk away.  After losing about 100+ pounds, I thought I was ready to enter what can be a tumultuous dating scene.  

And yes I've dipped in the pool of online dating.....several times.  I had a girlfriend convince me Tinder was the new thing.  How could it hurt?!  I mean her sister met her husband on Tinder.  It took awhile for me to get any matches.  It took even longer for a conversation to start.  Out of a handful and a half of these matches, had maybe 5 semi-normal dates.  Each one ended in the guy walking away.  Friends told me what kind of app it really was, but I wanted to hold out hope.  I even believed the guys that fed me lines like "Sure, I'd like to see you again.  I wanted to see you again even if I had just kissed you one time."  I went out on a limb and told one or two I really liked them and did they like me.  "Sure, I like you.  And yeah I want to see you again.  Gotta get to that third date."  After my fifth and final stint on it (by this time it was a game for me to see how many matches I could get....yeah guys, I can play the game too!), I simply walked away.  

I gave the online dating sites (Match, Our Time, and POF) the benefit of the doubt and tried them again.  Again, received matches, likes, and emails but it never went anywhere.  I even had a a guy not have the balls to tell me he was not showing up or that he wasn't real.  It was only after my friends told me that he wasn't showing up, he was an hour late.  A little sad and curious, I walked away.  I must have gullible branded on my forehead.  

More recently, as hard as it was, I had to walk away from someone who was a wonderful person.  I had to make a decision.  Sometimes it's not always that easy to walk away.  I've had to make that decision with two other guys.  And I probably messed my chances up earlier and when I realized this, they were both with someone.  Part of me tried too hard but the other part convinced it was to walk away.  They weren't chasing me as I walked away so I knew it was a one way street.  I probably should name this one way street after myself..I seem to travel it a lot.  

I tell myself sometimes that I am a catch and not the one guys should chase not let get away.  But at the same time, I can't help but think there's something I'm doing to make them run.  I'll be 45 in June. And I'll be brutally honest. I've never had a long relationship,  or never been married.  I've walked more times than I care to.  I'm tired and need to sit down.  

Christina 

Rule No. 50: Can't blame a girl for trying

Ugh!  So you catch a guy looking at you across the room or he gives you this eye contact you've never seen before.  I mean, you're blushing at the intensity of his sexy brown eyes.  So you decide to make a move.  But the delivery of the move is not without its glitches.  Yep that happened to me!  Not just once, but more times than I care to count.

It started in high school and the tone was set for any subsequent failed attempts.  In high school, the student body usually helps you let the object of your desire know you're interested.......and not in a good way.   I just happened to set my sights on the most popular guy.  I thought he hung the moon, after all I was just 14 years old.  My attempts as a teenager were different than they are today. However, my first act of being "ballsy" (as a woman put it today) crashed and burned.  I called this guy and invited him to my birthday at the Hard Rock Cafe.  Remember those?  His reply was something like "We are friends but not best friends.  It wouldn't look right."  What?!  I wasn't asking the guy to marry me but back then those words punched me in the chest.  I hung up the phone and went to cry.

I have always wondered what it is that I don't have.  When I was heavier, I knew it was my weight. And the fact I didn't feel good about myself.  Yet, when I went places and saw a handsome man, I looked at him with eyes of a thinner person.  Wishing he would only look at my face and not past my neck.

Maybe I try too hard.  But there's the old adage, you never know unless you try.  Sometimes I would rather let it be a mystery and just hope I interest him.  Because knowing is the worst part.  Once the truth is out there and it's not good, the wheels in my head start spinning.  Did I smile too much?  Was I not small enough?  Hair was the wrong color.  Okay, so I haven't been married or have kids, but they do not realize what storm God had me walk through.  What was it that didn't get the interest of the guy?

With smart phones and social media these days, figuring out if a guy is interested in me is harder...unless he owns up to it and actually is honest with me.  I've had a few of those.  And while it was disappointing, the guy being honest was appreciated and in the end, mutual connection may not have been there.  It's much harder trying to detect interest through texting and messaging.  At what point do I give up when the guy doesn't respond to the text/message?  I will own up to it and say I have been known to text too much.  It's a learning process......give me kudos for trying.  And when the guy stops texting altogether you know it's because he's not interested.  I try to have a brave face and think of the quote "The other one will be along in a minute."   But the other one never shows up.

It takes all the courage I have to text/message a guy.  At least I try.  I've crashed and burned more times than I care to count in the last year.  I am beginning to think my delivery has flaws in it.  I had a guy tell me I was messaging the wrong ones.  After he said that he disappeared.  What was that?! Was I supposed to catch that?  Listen, I have been single all my life, just in the last year have I had actual dates. There has to be a learning curve.  He now has a wonderful person in his life.  It's sad to think that if I had tried a little harder, it could have been me....possibly.

I am taking baby steps, putting myself out there, learning how to navigate.  Learning that boob pics (not mine) get more attention than my smile in pictures.  I am learning how to deal with small talk texts meaning just that.  But you still can't blame me for trying.  Everybody needs love.....it may take some of us just a little longer to find.  And some of us (like me) are not really wanting till someone is placed in front of us.

Rule No. 15: There are no rules

So if you've been following my other blog about my weight loss journey.....Glitter All The Weigh.....then you know the last 2 years have been a whirlwind.  While losing the 200 lbs, I was introduced to the single life and dating after being out of it for soooo long.  Although I was getting dates, I was getting them the wrong way.  But it was a lesson that took me time to learn.

My dating misadventures were sprinkled through my weight loss blog.  But I decided to stat a blog dedicated to just that.  Just in the last two years I have been out on more one date wonders than in the previous 25 years of my life.  Some have been wonderful and then others I almost wanted to say "Seriously!"

During this last year of exploration and allowing myself to be who I want to be, I was thrown into the world of men finding me beautiful, but having hidden agendas.  I am not used to the attention, whether it be in the meeting room of Weight Watchers or coming from a strange man.  That was one of the main lessons I had to learn.  Men know just what to say to a woman to get her to believe whatever he says.....as this woman did.  After just about every meet and greet (what I call the first date), I would come home and google everything the man did.  What does it mean if he did this?  He said this, what does it mean?  I was beginning to think dating and being single was going to be too hard.....too many rules to follow.

I asked a friend I went to school for some input from a man's perspective.  He said there are no rules. Then why is the web filled with them.  If he wants a second date, he'll ask for one on the first or within 3 days.  If he's interested he'll text you no matter what.  Never be the first one to text after a first date.  Ugh!!  He did confirm that if a man is interested he'll text no matter where he is or what he's doing.  Then I had girlfriends contradict this rule.  I didn't know what to believe anymore.

If you have followed me on Glitter All The Weigh, I hope you follow me on my new blog.  It'll be anything but boring I can assure you.  And maybe you can offer some advice.  I have more stories to share but this post has gotten long enough so off to start another one.

Christina